Some Personal Reflection

This isn't really about anything, it's more to about getting my thoughts down and thinking about all that I've been through in the past three months.

Kelly says I shouldn't think so much but when you have been an English major for the last three years, you are taught to think about what you have in front of you. Usually it's a text in which I have to go underneath the surface to find meaning. But this time I am digging into myself and realizing that I am so not the same person I was when I left the States back in January.

I'll give you a few examples.

Number one: Independence. When I got into college I thought I had gained some form of independence because I was far from home, I had to depend on myself, and I had to adapt to a new situation. It took some time but I eventually ended up making friends and finding my interests. However, that is nothing compared to what I've done over here. For one thing, I wasn't homesick at all until I ended up getting a Valentine's Day card from my Dad. I took for granted the fact that my Mom and Dad were just a phone call away and they could come get me if I was having a miserable time in my first year of school (and even anytime after that). It's not the same when you're on the other half of the world and your main communication is Skype and Facebook chat, which only occur if the internet doesn't decide to crap out on you. But I think what got me through everything is the fact that I know I am going home. I can always come home. With that in the back of my mind, it allowed me to really open up to this city I have been dreaming of for who knows how long. Which leads to my second example, experience.

I'm from a small town and in high school I wanted to get out. My sister had done it and she seemed happy, I don't know what I couldn't do the same. And hell, I wanted Guilford as my top choice, which ended up becoming a reality and it was the best choice I made in a school. Don't get me wrong, I love New York and it most likely would have been cheaper to go to a state school than to Guilford but I felt that if I stayed in New York, I would never get out and deep down, I wanted to let my adventurous side show and prove to myself that I was capable of leaving the nest. I'm sure my sister and my parents had doubts about how I would get acclimated (I even had my doubts) but I was doing this for a new experience. Again this doesn't compare to any of my experiences over here. I went to two countries where the language barrier was a pain to navigate and I had to deal with issues from people who have different ways of expressing themselves which added to the frustration. However these are the results that came from that: I have started speaking up when I think I am onto something, I don't care what anyone says about me behind my back because in the end all that matters is how I view myself and how I want people who I care about to see me, and I am one strong person when it comes to handling situations. I still need to work on communicating my feelings because I'm such an introvert but that will come with time.

I will add this last little thing: I am not a mind reader and I cannot tell when someone is mad at me so if you have an issue with me, bring it up, we'll talk calmly about it and try to find a solution. Otherwise I am not to blame if you hide your feelings from me. Personally I don't like confrontation myself but I am good at ignoring things and making situations tolerable. If you cannot do the same, then things need to be dealt with.

The fact that I just said all of this brings me to my third example: self-confidence. Like all women I do not have the best self-esteem issues; I never have. Since middle school I always felt body conscious, unworthy, inferior, and pretty much didn't like who I was. In high school it changed but I was still had some issues with myself. After a while I think I started, slowly but surely, seeing myself in a different way. I was running a lot and looking and feeling strong, I was doing a great job at being an editor for the newspaper and found out other agreed as well, and despite all the emotional issues I went through by losing one of my best friends I came out stronger than ever. I feel better about myself than I ever have and it's fantastic to actually admit it. Tieing this back into independence, I feel like I can now rely on myself for most things. I do still need help along the way (and I'm trying hard to still admit it to myself) but I feel confident that once I'm done with college, there isn't anything that I can't handle.

Even though I feel myself growing into a much more mature person, I wouldn't have gotten through most of my hurdles without the help of my family and friends. They were my crutch and I've still had their support the entire time I've been in England. I feel bad when I hear people say that their families are not the greatest and can be dysfunctional most of the time because that has never been the case with my family. Granted my sister and I almost killed each other while we were growing up but then again that is just how siblings are. We quarrel and shout but at the end of the day we would die for each other. Kelly is the person I go to for things most of the time (sorry Mom) now that I'm no longer the annoying little sister and I love seeing how she backs me up and gives me advice that I tend to follow because it almost always works. My parents are the same way and I am pretty open with them on certain topics, which I don't think a lot of people can say but I'm proud to be able to tell them about stuff that is happening in my life because at the end of the day, as long as my sister and I are happy, they have done their job.

Finally, I have the best friends in the entire world. It's been hard to communicate with most of my friends back at home because of the time difference as well as the fact they are busy with their semesters. However I can always count on Molly, my cousin Matt, and Amanda to get me through a lot of stuff. Molly will always be my best friend and confidant because we can go months without speaking and then finally pick up where we left off as if we had just seen each other the other day. That is a friendship that is meant to last and I wouldn't have it any other way. Matt is my second favorite guy (Dad will always be number one) but we've been tight ever since we were babies and can talk about anything (even though he takes forever to answer back on Facebook chat). Finally Amanda is just someone who can make me laugh anytime anywhere, even if it's just a comment on my picture.

I'm also not forgetting the rest of my friends who I love dearly and cannot wait to get back to in April but this is me showing you a glimpse into how I have found the strength to do what I have done. I may have done most of the work but everyone else has given me the shove to actually act on it. There have been those who have impacted my life more than others but everyone I've met and gotten to know has made an impact on me, whether good or bad. The ones who have stayed in my life have shown me that there are people who are worth the effort and think the same about you. So thank you to all of you because you have helped me reach this level I never thought I would get to.

I'm not going to repost this in Facebook because I think a lot of people read this, even those who are here and I feel like I may indirectly hurt someone if they read it so I would rather avoid that altogether. So this is kind of like an early Easter egg for anyone who decides to look at my blog again. Also I'll be writing about my weekend in my next post which deals with how I celebrated St. Patrick's Day UK style and updates about my weekend because it was a lot of fun.

That is enough of my ranting for now but I will probably post another reflection like this at the end of my blog when it is time for me to head home so be prepared for that. Otherwise I will see you next time :)

Cheers!